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OPINIONS
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(September
22 – September 28, 2008) In-Depth Juan L.
Mercado Weekend
breathers (A weekend is a good
time as any for a tutorial on “aphorisms”, this professor-friend suggested. A
what? “An aphorism”. That’s a short pointed sentence that expresses a wise
observation or truth. Here are some. Enjoy.) (a) After 70, if you don’t wake up
aching in every joint, you’re probably dead. (b) I’ve reached the age where
the happy hour is a nap. (c) There are no new sins. The old ones just get
more publicity; (d) The nicest thing about the future is it always starts
tomorrow. (e) If you have no
sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all. (f) A good time to
keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water. (g) Why is it that, at
class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks? (h) Seat belts are
not as confining as wheelchairs. (i) Money will buy a fine dog. But only
kindness will make him wag his tail. (j) Be careful reading the fine print.
There’s no way you’re going to like it. (k) The trouble with bucket seats is
not everybody has the same size.” Aphorisms are fine,
says this retired economist. But wise-cracks about men-women relations are
more relaxing on weekends. He offered this one on “male earrings.” A man is at work one
day when he notices a normally conservative co-worker wearing an earring. His
interest is piqued at his sudden change in “fashionsense.” So, he walks up
and says: “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” “Don’t make such a big
deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly. His friend falls
silent for a few minutes. But curiosity prods him to ask again: “So, how long have you
been wearing one?” His friend
admitted: “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.” (To think that I always wondered how this trend got
started) Add the one titled: “Never
Ever Lie To A Woman”, an editor-friend suggests. Here it is: “Darling, I’ve
been invited to go weekend fishing by my boss and friends. Good opportunity to nail down that
promotion. Please pack my clothes and set out my rod and fishing box. And oh,
include my new blue silk pyjamas
too.” This sounds fishy,
the wife thinks. Still she does exactly what her husband asked. And when he
came home, a little tired but otherwise looking good, the wife asked:.
“Caught many fish?” “Yes,” he replied,
“Salmons, some bluegills, even skipjacks. But why didn’t you pack my new blue
silk pyjamas?” ‘I did, dear. They’re in your fishing box!” Never, ever lie to a
woman...’ “When Congress makes
a law, it’s a joke. And when Congress cracks a joke, it’s a law,” Will Rogers
always insisted. Did he ever bump into the “Laws of Ultimate Reality?” Here
they are: Law of the “Law of Gravity:
“Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner”. Law of
Close Encounters: “The probability of meeting someone you know increases
dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.” Law of Biomechanics:
“Severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach”. Law of
Mechanical Repair “After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will
begin to itch. And you’ll need to pee” Law of Logical Argument:
“Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.” Law of
the Theater: “At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the
aisle arrive last.” Law of Physical
Appearance If the shoe fits, it’s ugly”. Law of Public Speaking “A closed
mouth gathers no feet.” Doctors’ Law “If you don’t feel well, make an
appointment with the doctor. By the time you get there, you’ll feel better.
Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick And there’s the Law
of Variation: Change lines or traffic lanes. The one you left will always
move faster than the one you’re now in. (Works every time)” No one looks for
quiz kids in those noontime TV shows. Here are question and answer excerpts
from local beauty pageants. Do they offer any hope? Host: Where would
you bring a foreign visitor to showcase the country’s beauty?” Contestant:
“Bocaue”. Host: “Bocaue? But there are so many other places. Why Bocaue?”
Girl: “Because it’s a magnificent place. Host: “Which part of Bocaue? Girl:
The Bocaue Rice Terraces.” Stunned Host: And after his visit to Bocaue, what
would you say/” Contestant: “Please come back. Host: “What is your
best feature?” Contestant: My graduation feature.” Host: “And what is your
edge over other contestants?” Contestant: “My edge? 23 years old “. Host: How
do you see yourself 10 years from now? Girl: I’ll be 33. Host: “And your
favorite motto? Contestant: If others can’t, why can’t I! Host: “What is the
biggest problem facing the youth today?” Girl: “Drugs.” Host: Why? Girl:
“Mahal eh!” Host: If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person,
how would you do it?’ Contestant: “That’s a very good question. Keep it up”. E-mail:
juan_mercado@prime.net.ph Ilocos Times copyright 2008 |
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