IN-DEPTH
Juan L. Mercado

The election campaign is now in full swing. And some people vent frustration by texting political jokes. Like this one: In Comelec poster area, this item appeared: “Support Charter Change. Vote for this provision: Article VI, Section 9 - Politicians should serve two terms: One in office and one in jail.”

Another wisecrack says: “A speech therapist identified the cause of Sen. Miriam Defensor’s peculiar accent.... It’s a rare vocal chord disorder called “The Loose Vowel Movement.” But a friend replied: “No, it is only Hilongo cockney.”

Candidates also spout what are called “Pinoy Malapropisms”. This one is from a Pampango candidate: “ When it rains, it’s four.” Told he was lagging in the latest survey, another candidate consoled himself: “Every cloud has its silver lightning”.

To debunk charges that his program of government merely rehashed unfulfilled promises, this candidate protested: “ It’s as brand as new.” And he insisted his opponent wanted to grab everything: “You want to have your cake and take it too.” But he had some cautionary advice for companions: “Burn the bridge when you get there.” And when rain falls on the rally, the candidates yell: “Guys, let’s call it tonight.”

Then, this Visayan candidate had to be hospitalized: “Nars, my back is herts bery mats,” he complained. “Can you tek the pein awi?” Nurse: “OK, I’ll give you a shot of morphine”. The bisdak: “No! Not morpein! Less pein!” Nurse: “But your wound is small. I’ll just give you local anesthesia.” Candidate: “Don’t you have imported?”

The King’s English is murdered repeatedly by candidates who come from all over. “Open deposit,” said one chap. “Deposit! Deposit! Ang gripo (faucet) ba!” But this one announced: “I’ll go to devastation (the bus station) instead.”.

his athletic type, however, said he had a lot of “tenacious (tennis shoes).” And he insisted that “officials should beehive (behave)”. They should tell the truth. And he asked his opponent: “July?” The reply was: “No. It’s April” But he insisted: “No, no. July “ (Did you lie?) Or nagsinungaling ka ba?

Every candidate pledges to ensure that that “all parents shall have punctuation”. What? “Punctuation!” ‘Yung pera pang enroll. (“Pang-tuition”) And finally: “Statute?” Ikaw ba yan? (Is that you?”) “Tissue”. Ikaw nga!

Then, there was Maria of Olongapo, whose English didn’t come from Ateneo. But she managed to communicate with husband Tony from San Francisco. Tony got absorbed in election broadcasts and forgot the big dinner Maria cooked.

“Honey, I’m sorry,” he began. “But we got absorbed with the election programs and ate at the restaurant. “Ah, like that, ha?” Maria snapped I cook the house for you, you eat the hotel! Ahh! Don’t sorry to me! From now, you do your do, I do my do! You harden there!” “.

Tagalog translation: Ah, ganon ha? Pinagluto kita dito sa bahay, kumain ka naman sa hotel. Mula ngayon, gawin mo ang gusto mong gawin, gagawin ko ang gusto kong gawin! Manigas ka diyan!”

China is also brushing up on English for guests who’ll flood in for the 2008 Olympics. You can tell that by the rib-splitting signs sprouting all over the place. Here are a few samples: On a bank ATM: “Help Oneself Terminating Machine”. On a Beijing nightclub door: “Half Past Eight Changing Friend Club”. This is on a road sign on a river bend: “Carefully Fall To the River.”

This restaurant had this sign on the main entrance: “Enterness”. And at the lobby were these posters for specialties of the house: “Complicated Cake”; “Dumpling Stuffed With Ovary and Digestive Glands of a Crab” and “Acid Food.” On leaving, the customer gets a printed leaflet: “Thank you for being suck a good friend.”

The May 14 election has seen some companies issue rules on how employees should act. Here is one memo that was sent to all employees:

“Dress Code for the election season: 1. Please come to work dressed according to your salary. If you use Prada shoes or carry a Gucci bag, you’re doing well financially. Therefore, you do not need a pay raise. 2. Shabby clothes mean you must manage your money better. Therefore you do not need a raise. 3. If you dress right, you’re right where you need to be and do not need a raise either.

“Sick Leave: Beginning today, we will accept a political party’s certificate on illness, in lieu of a doctor’s note. Not counting election day itself, each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. .

“Compassionate Leave: There is nothing you can do for friends, relatives or co-workers who are mauled, cheated or killed during elections. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to such details.

“In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled late afternoon. We will allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

“These rules remain in effect until the last protested ballot is counted and the last victim buried. –Management.”

(E-mail: juanlmercado@gmail.com)